Our Babies, Ourselves

How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent

(1998)
Meredith F. Small

Finished Reading: 04.2010

This book reveals the obvious but disregarded fact that babies are brought up differently in the various cultures around the world. Care for human babies contrasts with that of any other animal, and American parents raise their children differently than African, Asian or European parents. Parents of our decade make different choices than the previous generation - and we all do things that make even our own peers wonder why we don't parent like they do. No one really seems to know what works best, but everyone has an opinion and these judgements are passed on from one generation to the next with small adjustments along the way.

Ethnopediatrics is the study of how human culture shapes parenting styles in various cultures and over time, and seeks to bring together the disassembled global information on good parenting. As an invention of Western culture ethnopediatrics admits that Western culture is not necessarily the best standard for raising a child, nor is there any other one way that works by default for all parents. All cultures are studied to evaluate whether or not a particular culture has something to offer our own. To study outside of one's own culture is always eye opening, but to look at the cultural values of parenting particularly reveals the possible cracks in our own culture. I think the author takes an objective anthropological view, and after presenting numerous facts, one must consider whether the norm of American culture is really unrivaled.

The author asks us to think about why we do what we do while raising children. Our American culture has developed norms that are followed without hesitation, but we don't consider the ramifications for our actions. Choices are made, for example, between breastfeeding or bottle use, the scheduling of sleep, and how to deal with excessive crying. Every culture in the world is different and every culture raises their children differently, but "...there are other, equally valid ways to grow up."

The way we raise our children reflects what is important to us. Generally, Americans want their children to fully experience childhood and not to worry about being an adult until they are old enough and ready enough, while independence and intelligence are highly valued. High levels of competitive learning are encouraged early on, and maintaining normal growth is a priority. We submit to the latest technology and the authority of pediatricians and scientists, assuming everything old needs to be made new and that change is never unhealthy. Other cultures value dependence and hard work from an early age. Children are expected to help the family get done what needs to be done, and idle time for play is seldom found among these children. There is no concept of normal and competition for intelligence among infants is ridiculous because survival is of primary importance.

While I'm not getting into the details of these difference for this post, it is clear from the book that there are significant differences, and I would encourage investigation. It is not simply the third-world countries that maintain such divergent parenting styles from Americans, but other industrialized nations (such as Japan and the European nations) seek different goals for their children's growth. The author maintains that American culture is veering the furthest away from what is biologically imperative for healthy infant development. While our society enjoys unparalleled technological advancement which makes our adult lives easier, faster, more accurate and more comfortable; all babies are born into our world as they always have been. Upon entering the world, if born into a highly technological, independence-accentuating culture, the baby is faced with incredible stress and a situation completely opposite what is naturally necessary for infant development.

For me, this is one of those books that really opened my eyes to something new. Usually when I read non-fiction, I feel I know a little bit about the subject before beginning. After reading, my knowledge has been widened or enhanced, but reading about parenting is a new frontier. I don't know the first thing about parenting, except the cultural norms that I overhear. I don't know how to change a diaper, and I rarely hold a baby. There are no small children in my family or among close friends, so the only place to learn is by reading books - the quintessential American parenting experience. In most cultures, children are everywhere, spending time with all ages of adults and it would be strange to make it to your late 20's without knowing the first thing about parenting! This book focuses on sleeping, crying and eating - the only things a newborn really knows how to do. Having read this book, I feel substantially enlightened on these basics.

But my enlightenment is not just that of a non-parent becoming a parent and picking up a few new skills to deal with children. This has been an enlightenment on what is not quite right with American parenting. American culture seems very strange when compared to the rest of the world, and I feel strange for always questioning my culture (not only in matters of parenting), but the more I study and learn about what is normal, the stranger it seems. Many of the choices parents make are purely cultural and have no biological or medical reasoning. Very often an un-American approach to parenting, though controversial, seems very intelligent and appropriate and is often best for the baby. A baby is not an accessory or a deficit in the life of a parent. A baby is a valued, wholly dependant asset.

Particularly disturbing is the trend of foreign relief workers instilling a Western style on parenting values for cultures that are vastly different from our own - simply because we think our way is the best and everyone in the world ought to be doing it. (The Crusades, anyone?) Bottle feeding, social taboos and other new exports are destroying the once-healthy mother-baby relationship and contributing to the upheaval of entire third-world nations. New diseases and higher birthrates and thus more deaths are the results of our interventions, though well-intended.

While I see many things that American parents are doing wrong, we are doing many things right and other cultures have their problems as well. But the ability to consider the merits of another culture and decide for yourself what is best for your baby, without blindly following your own cultural norms, is essential to an educated and proper upbringing of any child. I hope to never fall into a choice justified only by, "that's just what you do."